Epiphany and Vulnerabilty

It's been a LONG time- well over a year- and I don't even know who will read this or even if anyone will read this BUT, I feel like God is prompting me to share this so I am just trying to obey...

Epiphany time: For the last few weeks- okay, months- I have been talking with my health coach at the school clinic about why I struggle so much with tracking my food, getting stuck and not progressing, and several other items. A couple of weeks ago I realized that part of it was a shame thing. I let myself live in the shame of weight gain- that I had messed up because I began obsessing over it and didn't enjoy food anymore. I became "that" friend- the one I never wanted to become- the one that judged- often without words- what other people were putting in their mouths. I began not enjoying dinners or celebrations. I developed that self-righteous attitude. BUT, then I got sick, several times over, and my food/diet and exercise took a hit and the weight piled on. I look back at what I looked and felt like then and now and I realize it's the same- never enough, shame.

I am re-reading with the Rev family- The Wellness Revelation. In chapter one, Alisa says something that every single time gets me, "desperation and disgust are powerful motivators for change, but they do not lead to lasting results and increasing joy." In Chapter 2 she says, "Idolatry is when we think if only (fill in the blank with your greatest desire apart from God), then I will be happy. Of course, these things never truly satisfy, and worshiping them leads us further away from God and deeper into depravity and despair." (p. 31-32)

My "if only" came to the forefront today while answer the questions in the back of chapter two and can I tell you what I discovered that hit me so hard in the heart that I literally sat here with tears in my eyes? An epiphany so strong that I stopped the forward motion of continued reading to come back and sit in it for a while?

8 years ago I began a journey- and I ended up making calorie counting, food, and even exercise an idol. I let it consume me. I let it potentially destroy relationships. And when my mind, body and willpower failed me, I began to live in the shame of failure of not placing the value where it should have been. My "if only" statement? If only I lost the weight, if only I ate just this food, if only I burnt off this many calories, THEN I would be happy, then I would be loved, then I would be seen- but, I wasn't.

Fast-forward 7 to 8 years and here I sit- heavier than I was before, ashamed of what I have done physically to my body but even more ashamed of the lack of the true heart work I have done.

So, what does that mean for me now? It means it's time to not just draw the line in the sand. It means it's time to put the weight of shame down- it's time to leave it right here on June 15, 2020, and live out Hebrews 12:1- to cast aside that weight of shame and sin, which clings to me with every lb. and run my race with endurance- the race that is in front of me- not behind- but in front AND, most important look to Jesus. It's time to Reclaim my Joy and Love my Journey.