(can found HERE)
I have started this post several times in the last few weeks, however, while I am continuing to walk out the journey of trusting- it's taking my heart and my soul to places I never anticipated. Those who really know me and I mean REALLY know me- know that I have been struggling. I have hidden it from a lot of people- put on the mask at church and said that all is "fine" because in reality- compared to the struggles and trials that others are going through my life is "fine". Because of this lost and restless heart feeling I knew that it was time to get away- I drove to Pigeon Forge- which while not a huge trek was enough of a getaway that I didn't have the pressures and distractions of home looming over me. I got a decent price on a hotel room for two nights and as it stands will be visiting a church in the Townsend area tomorrow morning as I make my way home. This time away was for me to pray, seek clarity, search for peace and look for God's direction in my life. Through this time- this blog post was "born".
I was in the middle of reading a book and for some reason I had to put it down- I pulled out my journal (with Proverbs 3:5 on it) and just started writing. Occasionally I'll do that and not pay attention to what or how I write- just write what's on my heart. These were my words tonight- words I didn't even really were in me:
"I feel as if I have lost me- or a part of me this year. That all I have done- all I have known- it's gone. My dreams are vapors- they have disappeared. Or maybe not disappeared- maybe more like rendered themselves invisible. They are there but are lost- can't be seen- seemingly undefined- my purpose, my passion, my vision. I have no idea what mine is anymore and that scares me- it fills me with a fear that threatens to overtake my entire being. What is my calling? What is my dream? Who am I? The questions burn within as I seek to find answers, and I have none."
There are a few things going on that have led to this restlessness- as I continue to seek and read I will continue to trust that He is going to bring me through and find complete rest in Him- He will lift me up on his shoulders.
3 comments:
You know I know what you are going through. I have total confidence in God and what He is going to do in your life. He will give clarity. He will give wisdom. He will give peace. He will give rest. Glad you were able to get away for a few days but, as always, I'm sure it wasn't long enough. :) Love you much.
Tami, good place to wait and you waiting will be rewarded. Just when and how is something no one can tell except God. But those of us who have experienced this "waiting" know it will end. How you wait is another story. Waiting with hope can be exciting and faith building. Waiting without hope will only build discontentment. I look forward to reading God next step for your walk...He will not fail you...
love that quote by augustine - while restlessness might not be comfortable, it can lead us down the right path.
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