Sunday, January 11, 2015

Sunday Inspiration- Bruised feet

This song is the reason for the reason for my word this year being trust- as I listened to this song the following line just kept playing over and over in my head and my heart.

The past couple of years have been a series of ups and downs (and if you have read my blog you know that) and my feet (as well as my heart) are bruised.  What causes bruised feet?  Overuse, stress on them, dropping things/physical trauma, internal trauma from other issues.  Trust involves in lacing up those bruised feet and following Him and knowing that He is leading me down a road that will be filled with those twists and turns and before they heal it may get worse.  It's trusting that He is with me in the pain and along this journey.  It's believing that as I take the steps of faith into what I cannot see His path is laid out before me and it's the most amazing journey I will ever take.  It's trusting that even if, at the age of 40, I end up beginning new dreams, He is going to lead those dreams if I let Him.

Friday, January 2, 2015

All Roads Lead to...

Hope and change!

In thinking of my "word" for 2015 I ended up with a phrase. 2013 saw perseverance and 2014 saw LIVE (which I am still working on) so deciding on this year's I had to take a look at what was going on in my life currently and throughout the past year. I am starting out this year with an eye on the future- an eye on "Hope and Change" (but not the kind other people say...)

Trust!  Okay- so, I had started another post with a "word" for the year and then as I was traveling back to TN from Indiana I just really started thinking, praying, and listening and I just felt like God was telling that hope and change was not ALL He was going to have for me and while that's a huge part of it- TRUST is going to be the whole picture.  

I have talked about trust in the past- it's something that has been hard for me- it's something that has led to heartbreak and turmoil yet this time, I feel like it's all about resting in Him.  When I rest in Him then I will TRUST!  And as I pondered this post throughout the week (I really wanted to have this up on the 1st but it was not ready) I read this post on the (in)courage blog and this jumped out at me: 

"It’s not about not being afraid, but about trusting in a God who is bigger and greater than even our biggest and greatest fear. "

And this one by Ann Voskamp: Falling Forward and these words enveloped my heart and said I needed to read them: "Sometimes you can hardly trust your legs, trust turning and taking the next step."

and "Failing? What feels likes losing is really gaining experience.
Falling apart? Fall forward into whatever. comes. next.
Whenever you are lost, FORWARD is always the way Home.
And in a fallen world, I fall forward into a New Year, and I fall forward into Christ’s safe arms andit is safe to trust. He is safe to trust."
So, yes, TRUST remains my word- it will be the word on which my heart stakes its claim.  It will be the word on which my anxious thoughts rest.  It will be the word that my uncertainty comes to peace. When I venture to take a step into the unknown- trust is knowing that He is holding my hand, directing my path, and stepping with me.  While my "life" verse is Zephaniah 3:17- my "year" verse is going to be Proverbs 3:5-6.
Will you step with me?  
(and I am putting this out there that my goal is to have 1 post a week talking about trust- it may be about my personal journey, a song, etc. but I know that I am being called to share this journey with others)


Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Tuesday Tidbits of Randomness

As I have mentioned I finally went to the doctor last week.  I did get the diagnosis, have a plan for treatment, and have begun that process.  When all of this first started I thought it was PF (because that was a common thing) and then as I started pinpointing pain I realized it was more along the lines of the achilles tendon area.  When I had to postpone my appt earlier in November I started really focusing on the area and amount of pain when I had it so I could chat with the dr about it.  On Black Friday it hit randomly (and bad) but I had a better idea of pain- so when I googled it I came up with the inflammation of the bursa sacs and Haglunds.  Well, sure enough, it's Haglund's Deformity.  It all ties together but thankfully I don't seem to have it as bad as some.  Mine's not as easily seen- it was found through the x-ray.  So, I have some expensive anti-inflammatory cream (I can't use NSAIDs due to my kidney issues), some stretches, some foam heel "lifts" (which hurt the bottom of foot), and a follow up appointment at the end of December.  I am trying to avoid physical therapy due to cost if I can but if that's the route I need to go then I guess I will figure it all out.

Along with diagnosis comes the desire to actually run.  Interestingly enough, since black Friday I have had very little heel pain.  I want to get out and do the run walk thing to see how it goes.  However, I also don't want to push it.  I have contacted Mizuno and told them my issues and asked for suggestions based on the need for a little bit of a heel lift.  They suggested the Wave Paradox- guess I better start saving my pennies- it's not the cheapest shoe on the market LOL...  

picture from the Mizuno website

At the time of this writing- there are only 8.5 days left until Christmas break.  I am working on the "me" time- it's coming along- but I still have some other things to figure out.  I know it will all come together but hoping that a fresh start/clean slate in January will get the ball rolling.  

And last, my favorite part of this post- 5 years ago some friends of mine had their twins at 25 weeks.  Sara shares their story here- it has been an amazing journey- check out the video at the end and just bask in His goodness! 

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

December 3- Do Life Big

I know that might seem like a strange title but it is appropriate for what I planned on posting and then, even more appropriate after something major happened in my town on Tuesday.

I was driving home and this song came on my playlist which fit right in with my planned post.

Then I got home and read this article and life became a whole lot more meaningful- this post became a whole lot more heart wrenching, and in reality- has helped me put things in perspective more than ever.

So- here goes:

6 months- 6 months from today is a big day in my life- the big 4-0.  They say age is just a number, and yet, there's a lot that has taken place in that span of time- love, heartache, loss, change, and most important- life.  As I approach this milestone I have to ask myself if I am really living or am I simply existing?  Most days I feel like I am just going through the motions.  I have a choice- in June- when I look back on the last 6 months- these upcoming 6 months- am I going to be able to say, "I really lived!" or am I going to plod through life, just existing?

Life has a way of not turning out like planned- and you know what?  That's okay!  God's plans are bigger and His ways are higher than mine.  He has a beautiful future ahead for me- whether that's one day, one year, or another 60 years.  Regardless I want to live my life big:

Oh, I wanna love, wanna give every day I live,
I wanna do life big,
I wanna love, serve, and give every chance I get,
I wanna do life big,
Oh, I wanna love, wanna give every day I live,
I wanna do life big,
I wanna love, serve, and give every chance I get,
Oh I wanna do life big,

Read more: Jamie Grace - Do Life Big Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

So- today- make sure to tell those around you that you love them- hold them close and give them an extra hug!

Monday, December 1, 2014

December 1- Making a Plan

So - I ended yesterday's post with the idea that it's time for a change- the first step in making a change is making a plan.

So- what's my plan?  Knowing that my month of December is CRAZY and since I am in waiting mode to see what the podiatrist says on Thursday my plan needs to be very basic.  Meal planning- that's it- for the physical aspect.  Drink the water and then actually EAT what I PLAN!  My hope is that Sunday I have had the time (and taken the time) to do some meal prepping for the week.  The rest of that involves tracking.  It's what I did before and I saw great results.  I tried to get away from it because I felt like I was a slave to MFP and yet, it worked, so not sure why I am fighting it.  Get rid of those fried foods, eat more veggies, cook more!  That's my plan.

Mentally and emotionally- this one is harder for me-I think it's the not knowing from day to day what's going to happen that affects this.  However, I know that I need to take one night- surely I can take one night- and make it just mine.  Nothing work related, nothing "anything" related except to clear my mind- whether that be through tv, reading, or journaling.  I also need to set a specific night of the week for work related items (this may be two nights)- that could be anything from grading to lesson plans.  And, if it's not one of those two nights- I don't work on it- unless it's a pressing need to get it done.

One month- I am taking these one month at a time.  This is not where I planned to be on December 1- but reality is- it's where I am.  The only way to move forward is to start where I am and don't look back.

(Thank goodness for this).  One step at a time, one day at a time...  Off and "running"

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Deep Waters

Yep, that's what I feel like I am in right now.  Water so deep that I am barely treading water.  Physically, mentally, emotionally, and yet, not spiritually.  Could it be better?  Of course, it always can but God has become the one constant in my life.  He has literally been my rock.

The waters have been deep:
Physically- I have lost my desire to exercise and that scares me- part of that I know is the pain in my heels (appointment is schedule for this week); I have not been eating right.  I do well for a while and then I see slow (or no) results and so I give up.  I have gained weight- it's the bottom line- I told someone tonight that I am not only back where I started 2 1/2 years ago but I am past that- now instead of x number of lbs to be in a healthy range I am at x plus 20.  I am scared, frustrated, discouraged, and disappointed- and yet- I am not alone- they are deep waters- but He is with me.

Some days the water has been deep enough that I am one wave away from going underwater and not having enough strength to break the water line again (this is not a cry for a help or a thought that I am thinking thoughts that should scare anyone).  This is where it has gotten rough mentally.

Some days the tears flow and they add to the deep water and it is as if I am alone in that great big body of water- and yet, I am not alone.  I keep going back to the verse above- and then I read the verse in context...

Life is going to happen- it says so right here- the question is- what am I going to do about it?  Am I going to live a life of faith- one that lives out this verse- one that has the Shadrach prayer in Daniel- "but even if you don't"?  Or, am I going to live a life of fear and timidity?  One that allows the worry of life take over?  One that allows the waters and waves to crash over me?  That catches me on fire as I walk through the flames?  

I know which one I want to be- you?

It's time- time to learn to swim in those deep waters instead of treading water.  Time to live knowing He is right there with me.  Time to make a plan knowing He will guide me every.single.step of the journey.  Yes, it's time...  Who's with me?

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Who I am and what I am Not!

**I am not promising to begin blogging regularly but I do miss it and miss putting my thoughts down in my little corner of the world so I am going to make more of an effort.  With that said, this is where my thoughts have been the last few weeks.

One of the definitions of failure is "lack of success, falling short".  I have spent many evenings in tears reliving my days and trying to figure out where I went wrong, what I did wrong, what I can do better and each time I walk away feeling as if I have completely failed.  Now, whether that's true or not- who knows but it's where I am right now.  I read this blog this week and I felt like Jennifer Dukes Lee (guest posting) was reading into my heart.  I even told my dad this week that I feel like a failure and that fight the lies daily that say I am nothing, that it's not worth it.  Because I have failed this week (and many weeks)- I have lost my patience, I have lost sight of ministry, I have forgotten to see with His eyes, I have hardened my heart, I have focused and listened to the lies.

You know the thing that gets me is when people (both Christians and non-Christians) berate or look down on people for struggling in this area.  Because quite honestly the struggle is real.  I know WHOSE I am but I still fight the lies that the enemy throws at me.  The seeking of approval of man is there- whether it be through relationships (of any kind), job evaluations, and even through the collection of materialistic things.  We post blog posts hoping for comments to show that someone is reading (and while they are nice that's not why I do it), we post statuses or tweets hoping for likes, comments, favorites or retweets- all in a bid for someone, anyone, to acknowledge our existence- and when it doesn't happen- we feel like a failure.
So this week as I was pondering my thoughts and dealing with the lies I had to put down What/Who I am because it all negates what I am NOT!  So, who am I really?

- I am a daughter- twice- my earthly father (and mom) and my heavenly father.
-I am not only a daughter- I am a princess- because my heavenly Father is a King and not just any king- but the King of Kings. (2 Corinthians 6:18)
-I am saved- because of placing my faith in Christ I will one day walk the streets of gold and be given a new name. (Revelation 3:11-12)
-I am a friend. (Proverbs 17:17)
-I am beautiful- I may not always feel it and it may not be the physical beauty that the world defines as beauty, but He reminds me that He looks at my heart and not at the external. (1 Samuel 16:7)
-I am delighted in and sung over! (Zephaniah 3:17)
-I am loved. (John 3:16)
-I am a treasured possession (Exodus 19:5)
I am worth it!  Just because I haven't found "the one" doesn't mean I am not worth it- just means I am going to continue to trust and wait. (Psalm 27:14)
-I am not alone- EVER! (Deuteronomy 31:8; Matthew 28:20)
-I am HIS! (Revelation 3:5)

At the end- I want to be like Apelles!