(can found HERE)
I have started this post several times in the last few weeks, however, while I am continuing to walk out the journey of trusting- it's taking my heart and my soul to places I never anticipated. Those who really know me and I mean REALLY know me- know that I have been struggling. I have hidden it from a lot of people- put on the mask at church and said that all is "fine" because in reality- compared to the struggles and trials that others are going through my life is "fine". Because of this lost and restless heart feeling I knew that it was time to get away- I drove to Pigeon Forge- which while not a huge trek was enough of a getaway that I didn't have the pressures and distractions of home looming over me. I got a decent price on a hotel room for two nights and as it stands will be visiting a church in the Townsend area tomorrow morning as I make my way home. This time away was for me to pray, seek clarity, search for peace and look for God's direction in my life. Through this time- this blog post was "born".
I was in the middle of reading a book and for some reason I had to put it down- I pulled out my journal (with Proverbs 3:5 on it) and just started writing. Occasionally I'll do that and not pay attention to what or how I write- just write what's on my heart. These were my words tonight- words I didn't even really were in me:
"I feel as if I have lost me- or a part of me this year. That all I have done- all I have known- it's gone. My dreams are vapors- they have disappeared. Or maybe not disappeared- maybe more like rendered themselves invisible. They are there but are lost- can't be seen- seemingly undefined- my purpose, my passion, my vision. I have no idea what mine is anymore and that scares me- it fills me with a fear that threatens to overtake my entire being. What is my calling? What is my dream? Who am I? The questions burn within as I seek to find answers, and I have none."
There are a few things going on that have led to this restlessness- as I continue to seek and read I will continue to trust that He is going to bring me through and find complete rest in Him- He will lift me up on his shoulders.