Sunday, February 22, 2015

Deep Waters- Part 2

I wrote this blog back at the end of November and in it I talked about how I felt like I was barely treading water.  Since then a lot has happened some of which I have touched on here and some of which I have alluded to.  So- this is kind of a catch up post along with a couple of thoughts regarding those deep waters.

- I have not had hardly any heel pain whatsoever- some stiffness every once in a while but I haven't been wearing shoes much this week (more on that in a few)

- I went on a mini getaway to Gatlinburg which was to help me find time to think and pray about God's direction which led to...

-It's time to share- I have talked to the people who needed to know so I am free to do so.  Part of this journey I have been on with trusting is going to be lived out over the next several months.  I am planning on leaving the job I have had for the last 10 years, leaving the city I have lived in for 20 of the last 22 years, and at the age of 40, possibly moving back in with my parents until I find a new job or figure out where God is leading me.  I am working on my licensure for Indiana and Ohio but am not confining myself to the education world.  Quite honestly- I am tired, my body is tired, my brain is tired and I need to get my groove back- so if that means taking a step away from teaching for a while then I know that God will provide.  I will be honest- I am SCARED to death.

-We had a week of snow and ice, bookended by the flu the weekend before and a stomach bug the weekend after.  And during that week of snow and ice-3 power outages.  1 was 4 hours (before the snow and ice), one was 29 hours (during the snow and ice- it was cold) and one was 1 hour that was in the midst of the coldest night of the winter.  Of course that meant that I had a week to work on things- I should have worked on packing (didn't) but I DID work on lots of rest, reading, and when I had power- working on the licensure information that I needed.

So- back to that fear- I am doing a 40 day challenge for Lent- it's a reading challenge and it's reading through the Gospels.  My friend Angela and blogging friend Brooke are also participating so that's kind of fun and I love the accountability from their posts on FB.  Now, I will admit that I used today (Sunday) to play catch up.  And I read Matthew 8:

23 And when he got into the boat, his disciples followed him. 24 And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep. 25 And they went and woke him, saying, “Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” 26 And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. 27 And the men marveled, saying, “What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?”

And I immediately went back to my thoughts of how I felt like I was drowning and the fear that I have with all of the changes going on in my life.  Verse 26 jumped out at me and I felt like he was standing in front of me asking me that exact question.  If I say I am going to trust- then I NEED to trust- regardless of the storms going on around me and in me.  Regardless of my fear- I need to trust that the man who can tell the winds and waves to be still and they obey can tell MY winds and waves to be still and they will.

Then- I "happened" across this article and realized that God is definitely trying to get my attention and wants me to fix my eyes on Him

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Lost, a Restless Heart or ???

 (can found HERE)

I have started this post several times in the last few weeks, however, while I am continuing to walk out the journey of trusting- it's taking my heart and my soul to places I never anticipated.  Those who really know me and I mean REALLY know me- know that I have been struggling.  I have hidden it from a lot of people- put on the mask at church and said that all is "fine" because in reality- compared to the struggles and trials that others are going through my life is "fine".  Because of this lost and restless heart feeling I knew that it was time to get away- I drove to Pigeon Forge- which while not a huge trek was enough of a getaway that I didn't have the pressures and distractions of home looming over me.  I got a decent price on a hotel room for two nights and as it stands will be visiting a church in the Townsend area tomorrow morning as I make my way home.  This time away was for me to pray, seek clarity, search for peace and look for God's direction in my life.  Through this time- this blog post was "born".

I was in the middle of reading a book and for some reason I had to put it down- I pulled out my journal (with Proverbs 3:5 on it) and just started writing.  Occasionally I'll do that and not pay attention to what or how I write- just write what's on my heart.  These were my words tonight- words I didn't even really were in me:

"I feel as if I have lost me- or a part of me this year.  That all I have done- all I have known- it's gone.  My dreams are vapors- they have disappeared.  Or maybe not disappeared- maybe more like rendered themselves invisible.  They are there but are lost- can't be seen- seemingly undefined- my purpose, my passion, my vision.  I have no idea what mine is anymore and that scares me- it fills me with a fear that threatens to overtake my entire being.  What is my calling?  What is my dream?  Who am I? The questions burn within as I seek to find answers, and I have none."

There are a few things going on that have led to this restlessness- as I continue to seek and read I will continue to trust that He is going to bring me through and find complete rest in Him- He will lift me up on his shoulders.