Friday, July 19, 2013

Letting Go (part 1)

**I say Part 1 because I have a feeling that for the next several months I will be discovering many things that I am letting go of in my life.  (and warning- there's some "girl" discussion- nothing descriptive just mentions)

Colton Dixon has this song out (which I cannot stop listening to his music- this gal right here- BIG fan!)

As I was pondering this post, what to share, how much to share, and why I felt like I should share it I ran across something in my search on pinterest (for something else) this and I KNEW that this song had to be part of this post.

As I alluded to in my last post I was pondering things that came up in conversation with someone that I KNEW in my heart but hadn't vocalized because that's what makes them real.  On Sunday and Tuesday both, I vocalized the thoughts and realized that I had a complete peace about them.  Part of my studies at IIN have shown me that sometimes medicine is overused- as I told someone- way back when before doctors and pharmacies our ancestors didn't use medicine so why is it so prevalent in our society today?  Now, I don't think ALL medicine is bad- but, for me, I had finally made it down to one medication and I really wanted to come off of it and see what would happen if I treated my body with the correct food, exercise, and some herbs and supplements that are known for the issues leading to the taking of the med (birth control pills).  I did my research and hunted, googled, and consulted with different people about the herbs and made a list.  Now, here's the tricky part- I had THAT dr appt this week and quite honestly the meds weren't helping so that's the reason behind wanting to get them out of my body.  Anyone who knows me knows I HATE that dr appt almost as much as I like the actual doctor.  I thought he would be okay with me trying it but I had to run it by him first (and I was right- he was okay with it).  Anyway, that visit is what led to the discussion I had- because honestly I get tired of dealing with it all.  I'm 38 and there are no prospects on the horizon (at least not to my eye- who knows what God has in store).  I am not anticipating having any children at my age (although I don't begrudge those who do) but I am 38, and I teach 15 4 and 5 year olds ALL DAY LONG- to come home to a young one at this stage in my life after being with them all day, I just don't know that I have it in me.  I am exhausted when I come home and it's just me...  

And you know what- this is what I am okay with.  This is what took me years of dealing with my heart, fighting God, and finally letting go.  When I let go, I could vocalize it, I could put words to my thoughts, and an overwhelming peace came over my heart.  Do I understand it?  No.  Do I like it?  Not particularly because that's the letting go of a dream.  Will I trust Him?  Yes, without any shadow of a doubt I will.  It's why the verse from my last post Isaiah 46:4 resonated in my heart:  
"Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you."

It's why I can look at this and say yes (even though I think they all could say seek, worship, trust, and thank)

It's why I can read this and know that MY God has a plan for my future- I am not giving up the hope of having children but I am okay with not having them biologically (that leaves a couple of doors wide open).

and it's why these words were the reminder of a heart at peace

"When I can't find the words to say how much it hurts
You are the healing in my heart
When all that I can see are broken memories
You are the light that's in the dark...

And when my circumstance leaves me with empty hands.
You are the provider of my needs.
When all my dirtiness has left me helpless.
You are the rain that washes me."  (Colton Dixon- You Are)

*and for those who stuck with me through this LONG LONG post- thank you.  It's just a peek into my world lately (hope I haven't scared too many off LOL) 

Question for today: What are you letting go of?  Or, what do you need to let go of?  (no need to share if it's too private- just some thinking for you!)


Bill (cycleguy) said...

Okay so you brought tears to my eyes. Not a good thing when I will soon be getting ready to go for a ride. U know how I feel. Some guy is missing out on a jewel. But who knows God's plan? This shows maturity in your walk with Jesus. As for the song: it is a good one. Should have heard Hanna sing it a couple of months ago. WOW!

Alicia Curley said...

Beautiful song and beautiful post. Letting go is one of the hardest things we have to do as humans on this Earth. Understanding that its something we have to do is sometimes one of the trickiest hurdles to moving on. I'm glad you're getting there :)

Tami said...

Dad- sorry to make you cry (but turnabout is fair play- LOL). Thank you- I won't settle so I will wait as long as God has me to but if He chooses to never bring that into my life- then I can guarantee that eventually I will find peace there as well. I'm sure she did amazing!

Tami said...

Alicia- thanks- it really is hard and I know that I will probably still fight it at times but I know that the peace will be enough.

Flaming June said...

You said something on my blog the other day about not having 6 kids, and I thought "No, you have 20 of them!" :)

The things about dreams is that it is the responsibility of the giver of the dream to fulfill it. It's not really letting go of a dream, so much as letting the author of the dream define and fulfill it.

There have been many times in my life that I have looked at someone else's life and wished I had what they had... only to be reminded by God that we can never be fulfilled living someone else's dream. The only path that leads to true Joy is the one that God has prepared for us.

Oh, and that song is topping my playlist right now! I'm liking this Colton guy a lot!