How Am I Living? Faith or Fear?

Yes, once again, I come here, having been on the silent side of the blog for several months.  And, once again- a lot has happened that has changed the course of my days.  The biggest thing has been that I moved into an apartment. However, something bigger is hopefully going to happen soon.  I have to set the stage though.  As many of you who read this know, I got a group fitness certification through Revelation Wellness last fall.  I felt extremely disqualified compared to many I went through training with and said from Day 1 that even if it was something that just worked in my own life and heart then it was worth it.  BUT God, He doesn't let it stay that way and as I have continued going through my days and doing some exercising at home He has laid it on my heart that it's time to branch out.  I was originally going to start with some of my co-workers after school but after putting out feelers about that I started to get a different idea of where God was taking me.  These last few weeks, as I look out the windows of my apartment, as I drive through the streets of my small town, as I see the faces of women and children at church, I started to get another idea that maybe, I was to start here, where I live.  So, I am working on a proposal to give to my dad so he can share with the other two staff members and the leaders.  My plan is that the proposal will be given to him by Monday since he has staff meeting then.

Before I get ahead of myself though- I need to go back and talk about what led to this idea.  I have been living in fear.  Fear of being unqualified, fear of not being taken seriously, fear of my size and lack of abilities, fear of my lack of coordination at times, fear of failure, and fear of fear.  BUT God, He intervened with a livestream of an event called Rev on the Road in Arizona.  (side note- there's one coming up in Fishers, IN in April that I'll be heading to in person!!!) They start the evening with live worship and there were two songs- one was Oceans and one was a song called Reckless Love that we sang at retreat.  There's a lot of controversy about that song and the use of the word reckless but when I googled it and how they mean it- I can see where it makes sense (another side note).  Anyway, there were lines in each of those songs that hit me and convicted me in my moment of fear and uncertainty.  How many times have I sang the words to the song, Oceans, and they not mean anything?  And now- as I sing- am I really asking the Holy Spirit to lead me to a place where my trust is going to have to go deeper?  Am I really being asked to get out of the boat? 

So, I pushed the thought down and then came to this line in the next song- especially those last few lines- there's no lie he won't tear down to show how much He loves me.  I have lived in fear to a lie.  No, I may not look or act like a typical group fitness instructor but maybe, just maybe, that's what's needed in my little community.  Someone who is willing to lead people in a way that is going to tear down those lies that have been fed to us day in and day out. 

Well, that thought came and went and I continued through the livestream... UNTIL we worked out to the song from The Greatest Showman- This is Me.  There's a line that every time catches me.  It stops me in my tracks and I have to reprocess it all over again.  It's the part in the graphic below and that first part is a double meaning for me. 

I have to recognize that personally- I am worthy of love- of human love- even though it's not in my life right now.  But, even more so- that because of HIM- and HIM only- I am found worthy to be a recipient of His love and grace- and the conviction to share that- to tell women and girls and whoever shows up- that He makes us beautiful, that He makes us worthy of love, and that He does love us- for who we are and not for who we THINK we should be- that conviction became pressing on me the more the weekend went on.

THEN- I went to do my Leadership homework (someone blessed me with the chance to go through the Leadership program that Revelation Wellness has for after training) it was all about Risk Taking.  And, I laughed, because God has a sense of humor that I don't get at times.  Monday, I was at the car dealer having a tune up on my car when I was working on it and received a message from a Rev friend who asked me one question- are you leading classes yet? And I laughed again because it was one more step in confirmation that I am heading in the right direction.  I don't know what it's going to look like, I don't know if anyone will show up (I hope and pray they will), I don't know how it's all going to mesh together but I do know- just like with Rev training- if it's supposed to happen it will.  I went back and reread a blog post from August before I typed this which referenced a February post.  It still holds true right now: "And you know what- I have every faith in Him because I truly believe that this is of Him"