I'll be honest, I almost didn't write this post- don't get me wrong- I LOVE my mom. She is my support, my friend, and everything that I would want to be if I were a mom- and therein lies the reason why I almost didn't write this post. I am not a mom- that's the bottom line- it takes nothing away from my love for my mom but knowing that I am not at the place where I thought I would be at almost 38 (yes, dad I'll say it) is a little bit heartbreaking. And yet, as heartbreaking as it is, I know that God's plan is better for me. Through the death of that dream- because yes, as the years tick by that dream is dying a fast death- I am learning to depend on God, I'm learning that I have to let go of what I envision and just trust that as the tears fall He is sovereign.
You might say- well, you are a teacher so that means in some way you are a mom- yes, in some way I am (and I do get called momma quite often by accident) but when a well-meaning parent says Happy Mother's Day to you at dismissal it leads to a little bit of heart sadness- because while for 5.5 hours I am momma, teacher, auntie, and everything else to those little ones- at the end of the day they, along with all other students, go home to their own families- while I go home to an empty house.
So, while I praise God for a mom who I LOVE with my whole heart, I'm learning to praise God for the aching to have something that I don't, I'm learning to praise God for trusting when it's the hardest, I'm learning to praise God when my heart breaks. I'm learning- but I am not fully there yet. So, to those who long for children (whether married or single) my heart feels you. For those who long for their children (or mothers that they have lost), my heart aches for you. For those who will have reminder after reminder tomorrow of those dreams that have died/are dying/struggling to hold on in the "mom world"- I will pray for you.
*I know this post has been a little bit disjointed- my heart is little achy tonight (I'm attributing it to the fact that my allergies- while they were clear at the beginning of the week have hit again at the end of the week and I'm just weary)
7 comments:
I know the woman in the picture but who is the dude? You don't have a brother. :) I know this is a hard post for you to write or think about, and I know this does not mean a lot, but I praise God for the woman you have become and will continue becoming. Love you much.
Ha Ha- that's one of the best pictures I have of mom :) and you are wrong- it does mean a LOT- more than you would ever know. Thank you Love you too!
Being a mother is a special role and I was lucky enough to be one when I thought it would never happen. My one and only daughter means the world to me and I thank God for her every day. What is meant to be is not always in our hands and I applaud you for posting so honestly.
I am lucky I was able to have my daughter since I thought it wasn't going to be possible so I can understand your feelings. I was also a teacher during those years and I loved being a "mom" for those few hours but it was sad to go home without them :-)Your students are lucky to have such a loving teacher and I hope my daughter ends up with teachers like you when she is in school.
WRD- thank you- that's one of the things that I do on my blog is post honestly- no sugar coating :)
Bethany- thank you for those sweet words- I know there are others out there who understand :)
Beautiful post, Tami. I can feel your ache and you brought tears to my eyes. Sending warm thoughts your way.
Post a Comment