This is a hard post to write- I have written and deleted several times. I even had a whole paragraph written but didn't like how it was worded and deleted the whole thing. There's nothing wrong with the post itself. I have nothing bad or earth shattering to share- just a vulnerability that is hard for me. So- here goes...
I have a fear- that fear is failure. It's mainly in my job but sometimes trickles into other areas as well. It stems from some less than stellar years of teaching and expectations placed on me (and co-workers) that were unreasonable, weight bearing, and would be hard for even that level 5 teacher to achieve on a day in and day out/year in and year out basis. When I felt like I was making gains or progress something would happen or would be said that would knock the wind out of my sails. I have been teaching since 1998- there were very few years that I felt like I was making a difference (I look back and know now there was a difference in how I felt and what actually happened but I didn't feel it at the time). Because of that, because of my singleness and no family, because of my fear of failure- I buried myself in my work- I put it above God A LOT- more than I care to admit. I made my job my idol- an idol is anything that takes away from my relationship with God- that's where I was.
Fast forward to today- I had to answer a question today in my bible study about my fear and when I put it on my paper it was as if I was smacked in the face. It's been on my mind all day. I think that's why Revelation Wellness calls to me- it's a way to tune my heart back to Him as I exercise- as I seek Him- as I worship the Creator instead of creation. It's no accident that today's workout was with my friend Heather (who I will meet in November!) and was called Your Yes! Because part of my fear of failure is also the failing in this. Not being strong enough, not being able to lead it efficiently, etc. Then Heather reminded me of several things- that I am My Yes and that I am living out God's dream for me! That saying Yes to God means that I am giving up something of myself- I am surrendering- for something so much bigger than me.
My Post it notes say: I am... living out God's Dream for me.
and I am My Yes!
The next two pictures are the two shirts I have designed for fundraising. I will be buying one of each myself soon and even if it says that it's almost over it resets every 3 days.